Are We Helping or Enabling?

Have you ever felt unsure of whether you were helping a fellow man/woman or enabling them?  It’s not uncommon for people in the program and loved ones of those suffering to commonly ask themselves this question.   In my opinion, there is no clear line in the sand to answer this question.  Every situation is different and circumstances may vary.  Below is a guide that may be helpful for us to understand if our help is really helping or ultimately hurting our loved one…

1.      -Identify the problem/situation 

2.      -What is preventing this individual from growing through this?

3.      -By helping, I am allowing this individual to play into defects/fears/negative behaviors rather than addressing them?  If so, what is it?

4.      -How can I assist this individual in their growth without doing the work for them?

5.      -What boundaries/timelines/contracts/understandings should be put in place initially to protect my well being as well as not enable this individual for extended periods of time?

Enabling alcoholics and addicts can be detrimental to their recovery, the life skills and the humility that we may need to grow and change.  If there were no consequences for our actions, then why change them?

Luckily, there are 12-step programs such as Alanon and CODA and other support groups that can also aid us in helping our loved ones also. 

Please share your thoughts, experiences and insight on this topic.  The more we discuss and learn, the better of we can help our fellows successfully walk this path of recovery!    

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