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| NOT COOL! |
Now- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THINKING ITS COOL TO DATE NEWCOMERS?!?!? Seriously, I don't know how you guys came in to the rooms, but I know that if you're walking into a 12-step program, chances are there is some serious unmanageability going on in your life. We didn't get here because we're on the Dean's list or CEOs of major companies. We got here because the way we were living our lives wasn't working. Doing it our way on our terms didn't work, we needed help. How can participate in the life of another, when we can't even take care of ourselves?
I couldn't. I'm fortunate that those guiding me came from the school of "We don't make any big decisions for our first year of sobriety." Reason being, is that I'm dealing with a LIFE and DEATH disease. Not a dis-ease! This is serious, people die everyday from alcoholism and addiction! It affects every part of our lives! Sobriety has to be a priority in our lives, not a hobby or social activity.
Newcomers are the most important people in the program. They have an opportunity to the get what so many of us have received from the 12 Steps. Its crucial that they focus on themselves and not others. Women need to be supported by women and men need to be supported by men. Not to mention, when we come in, our perception is screwed up!
As I learned about who I was and uncovered and discovered why I did the things I did (something which happens when we're new), my perception of life began to change. Things that were once attractive to me starting losing their values. Interests and philosophies began to change. I grew and started to mature emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It's a natural process when we really start taking an honest look at our lives.
Newcomers need to be afforded the privilege when coming in to dedicate themselves to change, not a new relationship!
"But the book doesn't say ANYTHING about not dating newcomers!" Really, you mean the book written in 1939 during World War II wasn't written with the emphasis of young people getting sober in the 21st century? And doesn't it anyways though, as it takes us through the soul searching and 12-steps?
If none of this was helpful or insightful to you, I guess ask yourself. "What was I like when I was a newcomer? Would/did a relationship in my early recover help me? Would anyone even want to be in a relationship with me who had a solid head on their shoulders?" I didn't think so...
Avinash Satz
Miracle House- Sober Living in Los Angeles * Clarity House- Sober Living for Women * New Life House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles * Reality House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles
Avinash Satz
Miracle House- Sober Living in Los Angeles * Clarity House- Sober Living for Women * New Life House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles * Reality House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles
I totally agree! I think that those who choose to date newcomers should be marked. I know people can make mistakes in sobriety, but to get involved with someone who is just getting the chance to find themselves is wrong on so many levels and in my eyes is unforgivable. For all you sick fucks that try and thirteenth step new members of alcoholics anonymous, realize that it is unfair and twisted. Give them the same opportunity to live a new life as you had.
ReplyDeleteThis is a post from Angie (http://www.intherooms.com/profile/blog/wildrose) from intherooms.com
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Well, Avinash, I did just that. I got involved at my first few months with the most beautiful man. In the end I hurt him terribly and wish I could go back in time and change everything, but I cannot. I do believe it was my inability to understand my addiction, I went back to using at month 4.
I do believe if we would have waited a year to learn who we where and to LOVE OURSELVES, the outcome would have been different. Who knows. I now have 6 days clean and that was 2 years ago, sobriety has not come easy for me.
For anyone coming into recovery I strongly advise as someone who has been there to wait, to stick with the women
and find out who you are & attend to yourself first.
If you are going to be together then it will all fall into place when you are ready.
Life is so short & Love so beautiful it is irresponsible to take either one for granted.
Please, please this is so true. I am blessed that this wonderful person is still in my life as a dear friend, but it set back my sobriety without a doubt.
My name is Angie if anyone who needs to talk about this please just ask, I will share what I have and hopefully someone will be spared the hurt & shame that I went through.
In addition to this, I told everyone in my network of NA & AA and was warned, but chose to ignore, I am still picking up the pieces of my heart.
Thank you for letting me share.
Peace & Light
Angie
I was newly sober and a much older man with an addiction to masturbation (3+ hours a day) started driving me around...eventually when I drank (which he allowed to happen in his home) he put the moves on me. Its hard for me to see my part, but the truth is, because I wasn't ready at the time, I had a huge part. I was a volunteer. Unfortunately the whole thing was really a big disappointment and rather grotesque...and I hope he doesn't do the same thing to some other girl who's still foggy.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth