I got sober at 18. For the most part I jumped into the recovery house and 12-step program pretty fast. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired was a great motivation for me. I dove head-first into recovery. While I was in the recovery house, I attended 3-4 men stag meetings weekly. I had commitments at Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, attended a book study on Thursday evenings with my sponsor and the rest of the members of his lineage, and participated in service work as often as I could.
I would express my opinions to my peers about the young people meetings they chose to attend and the lack of sincerity I felt in those meetings. I would say things like "Young people conventions are a waste of time and childish."... And so on and so forth...
The truth was, I was scared to interact with young people in sobriety. The were joking around and laughing because they were happy and comfortable with themselves. I didn't know how to interact with young people my age. I was full of fear and how others perceived me. As far as women went, there was no way I was introducing myself to a young lady without being too loaded to remember it the next day!
So I continued to get commitments at the old timer meetings. I would join them in smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee at the local Borders until midnight every Saturday rather than hang out with my peers. My free time was spent writing poems and reflections in coffee shops. Poems about romance and love as I would fantasize that one girl (you know that one) coming in with her journal, sitting next to me with mine and then BAM! A fairy tale romance for the rest of my life! Sad... I know...
I hid out in Alcoholics Anonymous for about 3 years not addressing this. I learned a lot from those old timers and being a "big book thumper" for my first couple of years. But my sponsor put it best when he said, "Avi, you're not forty, stop acting like it." Again things got to a point where I was getting sick and tired of being sick a tired. My life wasn't changing, I wasn't growing because I wasn't facing the truth.
It's easy to not face truth and use the program and its teachings as a double edged sword. "The program says be honest, right? I'm just being honest by telling you I think you're an asshole." True honesty and self appraisal comes from inventories, humility and faith (if you're someone like me). If you're yielding double edged sword like I have, perhaps the side you should lean towards is the side which cuts through YOUR armor the deepest. As I've gotten more time in recovery, it seems my actions and behaviors have only become cunning and manipulative in their ways of playing into my defects and dishonesty. How I deal with my relationship, how I'm dealing with my taxes, how I'm interacting with my peers... etc. I constantly have to look at where I'm falling short or playing into defects. But thats another blog for another day, right now I've got to go sharpen my sword!
Avinash Satz
Miracle House- Sober Living in Los Angeles * Clarity House- Sober Living for Women * New Life House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles * Reality House- Sober Living for Young Adults in Los Angeles
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