Looking back at my life, it is undeniable that to some extent I have been a product of my environment. The main environment that I was involved in included drugs and alcohol. Active in my disease, every friend I had, or situation I chose to involve myself in, was somehow related to drinking and using. One of the reasons why I started drinking and using in the first place was because my peer group was doing it and I wanted to fit in. As I was getting into drinking and using, the people who were not into it seemed to phase out of my life, and I became a magnet for other delinquents like me.
I did the majority of my drinking and using back in San Diego where I am originally from. I hit several bottoms there and I tried dry sobriety a few times. I remember the first time I tried to abstain, I was seventeen. I did it for a little while with my parents trying to control who I spent my time with. But this only frustrated me. It became way too much to resist. After that I always had an alibi in order to hang out with the kids who drank and used.
The next time I tried to abstain, I did it for the sake of doing something with my life. I went to school, worked, had a band, and a girlfriend. I was able to remain clean for almost three years, but I got tired of it. Life was dull, so I wanted to bring some chaos around. I saw my old friends experimenting with hard drugs and I felt I was missing out, so I went out and did my thing. I wanted freedom but this was where the walls really started to cave in on me.
By the end of that run, I was so beaten down that I really did want to try something new, but I was in too deep. I wanted something different, but nothing changed because I was not willing to change my behaviors. These behaviors were all common amongst my friends. In fact, we fed off of each other.
I entered a sober living when I had burned all of my bridges. I began to want to be sober and to take pride in the fact that I was stacking days. I was just unwilling to get away from people who were not sober. The obsession was strengthened by the fact that I was still putting myself in these situations where I was around people who were drinking and drugging. I felt so left out and I wanted relief from the discomfort of having to feel. It become too much.
This time around, I left my old environment. I moved into a recovery house in Los Angeles where I couldn’t contact any of the people that used to co-sign my disease. This meant all the difference for me. There was no one that I could use to rationalize my own problems, by saying, “at least I’m not that bad.” There were no reservations and there were no distractions. I have friends now that actually care about me. I finally found the right environment to work on my recovery and as a result, I have been able to identify why I could not get sober. The bottom line is that I had to distance myself from my old life in order to change my life. Now it is all about sticking with the winners.
-Ryan R.
I did the majority of my drinking and using back in San Diego where I am originally from. I hit several bottoms there and I tried dry sobriety a few times. I remember the first time I tried to abstain, I was seventeen. I did it for a little while with my parents trying to control who I spent my time with. But this only frustrated me. It became way too much to resist. After that I always had an alibi in order to hang out with the kids who drank and used.
The next time I tried to abstain, I did it for the sake of doing something with my life. I went to school, worked, had a band, and a girlfriend. I was able to remain clean for almost three years, but I got tired of it. Life was dull, so I wanted to bring some chaos around. I saw my old friends experimenting with hard drugs and I felt I was missing out, so I went out and did my thing. I wanted freedom but this was where the walls really started to cave in on me.
By the end of that run, I was so beaten down that I really did want to try something new, but I was in too deep. I wanted something different, but nothing changed because I was not willing to change my behaviors. These behaviors were all common amongst my friends. In fact, we fed off of each other.
I entered a sober living when I had burned all of my bridges. I began to want to be sober and to take pride in the fact that I was stacking days. I was just unwilling to get away from people who were not sober. The obsession was strengthened by the fact that I was still putting myself in these situations where I was around people who were drinking and drugging. I felt so left out and I wanted relief from the discomfort of having to feel. It become too much.
This time around, I left my old environment. I moved into a recovery house in Los Angeles where I couldn’t contact any of the people that used to co-sign my disease. This meant all the difference for me. There was no one that I could use to rationalize my own problems, by saying, “at least I’m not that bad.” There were no reservations and there were no distractions. I have friends now that actually care about me. I finally found the right environment to work on my recovery and as a result, I have been able to identify why I could not get sober. The bottom line is that I had to distance myself from my old life in order to change my life. Now it is all about sticking with the winners.
-Ryan R.
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